Let's Talk About Feelings (but not in a Lagwagon sort of way)

First, just for the record, I'm not a Lagwagon fan.  Joey Cape's voice always rubbed me the wrong way when everyone else loved Lagwagon. Let's move on.

My wife said I should start talking more on this blog about my feelings on becoming a parent.  It's been sort of hard to do though, because aside from being excited (duh), I haven't really thought about the rest of it to it's full extent.  It's just not something I've really been able to think about.  Not in a "Stoic, I'm a man, and I keep my feelings bottled up" sort of way and just don't want to discuss that sort of thing.  But I really haven't had anything more than fleeting thoughts on if I'm going to be a good parent, or what type of parent will I be, or anything of that nature.  It just hasn't really been something that popped up until today. Don't get me wrong, I do think about that stuff, but it's for very brief, 30 second periods.  Let me try and flesh this out a little more.

There are two things in my life I felt like I had a chance at being good at. The first was loving my wife/being her husband.   I won't go into the complete backstory, because I think all 3 of you that read this know it.  But basically, I knew from early on that I would always love her, and I could be good to her.  I felt that she could do those same things for me also.  I never have had doubts about her, and because of that, she ruined me for anyone else, all the while ensuring that I'd still be here when she finally came back around 11 years later. (Quick backstory for those of you that don't know. My wife and I dated when we were teenagers. We dated for most of a summer, and then she moved away. We tried to keep it going, but she dumped me for some dude after a couple months. I was devastated, she went out with hiking boy. fast forward over a decade, we reconnect, start dating again, get married, and now I'm writing this blog.  Child of ours, if you read this, someday we'll tell you the full story if you haven't heard it, or aren't sick of it by that time.)  My point is, I knew that loving her was something I felt that I would be good at.  It just came naturally, and I couldn't help it.  Whether or not I actually AM good at it is up to her though.

The other thing I felt I had a fighting chance at being good at was a parent. I don't know why. I've just always felt that urge to be one, and that I wouldn't completely muck it up. I've always felt that I could do it.  Maybe it's because I spent so much of my Jr. High and High School years watching and taking care of my younger sisters.  Maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe it's something that all of us feel, so that we ensure we mate and carry on the human race.  Or maybe it's because I'm still a kid at heart. I still get excited about Legos.  I don't know why I felt it really, I just have. And I haven't explored it that much.  For me to think I'm actually good at anything is huge for me, so I guess I just left it alone because of that. 

So, why am I writing about this today?  Well, oddly enough, it was because I read a list about the best and worst movies of 2011.  After reading the list, I felt the need to add the movies to our Netflix list  that I hadn't seen or were not currently in our queue.  Somehow that act alone reminded me of a movie that I had seen, but had forgotten most of.  The movie was "Diggers" and starred Paul Rudd (my wife likes to call him my man-crush. Seriously though, who doesn't love Paul Rudd??) .  But I'm not sure why that movie was important and triggered my contemplation at all. For whatever reason, It made me ask myself "what sort of parent will I be?  Will I be a good parent? "  I never have the answers to them.  I hope that the answers will be "a good one" and "yes".  But I can't possibly be qualified to answer those yet. Or ever. I feel like that's a decision that will be made by the child, and the world in general when dealing with that child throughout it's life.

The funny thing is, I have a hard time worrying about what will happen in my personal life. (This is funny because I make a living worrying about the worst things that could happen, and then planning for them).  I don't feel like I can significantly change certain things.  I can hope our baby will be born healthy, and I can support my wife and try to make sure that she stays healthy and happy to give our baby the best chance of being healthy. However, if something were to not be perfect, there's nothing else I can do about it, so I don't worry about whether our baby is going to have all it's fingers/toes/organs/whatever.  I can't get worked up about the what if's, because those aren't in my hands. I've done what I can do.  The same goes for not worrying for more than a minute or two at a time about what sort of parent I'll be.  I won't know, and can't know until the baby is born.  I feel that with my sisters, I have some decent background at taking care of children.  I know that I didn't do everything, or face a lot of the challenges that I will, but at least I feel like I'm not stepping into the unknown. And that gives me solace. 

My wife asks me if she'll be a good parent.  I always tell her yes, and I know in my heart she will be.  She'll love that baby with every ounce she has.  And while loving someone may not make you the best parent, or spouse, I know that she is. If she wasn't, we wouldn't be having a baby together.  I guess that's another reason I don't fret over it too much. I know that I have the best partner I could to grow old and raise a family with.  And that is all I need to know right now.