week 18.

I've been trying to write a letter to the baby today, but it's hard. I get stuck at the first paragraph, because no matter what, I start to write about some of the negative aspects of the pregnancy. And even though I'm quick to assure our future child that it's not their fault, and that it's just how things go sometimes, I really don't want them to even think it has anything to do with them.

My poor wife has gone through so much with this pregnancy, and it just doesn't seem like we can catch a break. Every time things seem to be going well, we get hit with something else that's even worse than the last thing, and totally takes the wind out of our sails that things are finally going to go smoother. I know that nature and pregnancy will do what they want, but my wife deserves a break. I've tried to be the stoic one, and the rock, but I think even I may be starting to crack. I question even writing that here, as she obviously reads this, and passes the link along to her friends and family, but I'm sure she knows I'm starting to wear down. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to disappear, or not help her out, or am changing my mind on having a child. Nothing like those things at all. But I've tried to take every day just a day at a time. It's all we can do. But it's hard to have to watch my wife go through these things, and know that there isn't anything I can do but be there for her. I know that's a lot, but for me, it's still not enough. I'd carry this baby if I could, even for just a day, to give her a break. I'm not a religious person, but I find myself asking the universe to just give her a break, and let us have another full, good week, and to stop dumping more stuff on her.

Ok, my venting is done. Thanks for listening blogger.

P.S. Universe, if you're listening, I haven't asked today, so, can you please give my wife a break? No one deserves it more.

It's been a busy week!

I feel sort of bad for not writing in a week.  Things have been super busy.  I tend not to write on the weekends, as it's one of the few times I get to spend with my wife.  If we're lucky, she might be feeling well, and we get to run errands, or if she's not, I get to run the errands. The rest of this week for me was spent in training during the day, or class at night, with the exception of Wednesday night, which I did get to spend with my wife, even though when I went upstairs to change out of work clothes, I ended up falling asleep on the bed for about an hour.  I hate to mention it, because I know how tired my wife is all the time, but work and school wears me out. My days when I have class are 14-15 hours door to door.  It gets old.

Anyway, we got the date for the next ultrasound.  It should be the appointment that we find out the baby's sex.  Pretty exciting!  As I've stated before, and to anyone that will listen though, I really don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I just want it to be healthy.  And I'm not just saying that.  Life will hand us what it wants, so there's no use in getting worked up or disappointed about something that you really can't control. 

Amazingly I don't really have that much to say about the past week.  Things are moving along and progressing. I just wish my poor wife could feel better more of the time.  I know she misses interaction with people besides me.  I've been able to sneak out once or twice to hang with friends, and we've had a couple friends come visit us, but for the most part, that's few and far between. We had one time we were able to meet our friends for coffee and pastries, but so far just once.  Hopefully that will change soon.  I have a feeling though, as sad as it is, we won't see our childless friends nearly as much through the rest of the pregnancy and once the baby is born.  It seems to be the way things go.  Of course, maybe this means we'll become better friends with the people we know that have kids.  Who knows though?  Time will tell.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Let's Talk About Feelings (but not in a Lagwagon sort of way)

First, just for the record, I'm not a Lagwagon fan.  Joey Cape's voice always rubbed me the wrong way when everyone else loved Lagwagon. Let's move on.

My wife said I should start talking more on this blog about my feelings on becoming a parent.  It's been sort of hard to do though, because aside from being excited (duh), I haven't really thought about the rest of it to it's full extent.  It's just not something I've really been able to think about.  Not in a "Stoic, I'm a man, and I keep my feelings bottled up" sort of way and just don't want to discuss that sort of thing.  But I really haven't had anything more than fleeting thoughts on if I'm going to be a good parent, or what type of parent will I be, or anything of that nature.  It just hasn't really been something that popped up until today. Don't get me wrong, I do think about that stuff, but it's for very brief, 30 second periods.  Let me try and flesh this out a little more.

There are two things in my life I felt like I had a chance at being good at. The first was loving my wife/being her husband.   I won't go into the complete backstory, because I think all 3 of you that read this know it.  But basically, I knew from early on that I would always love her, and I could be good to her.  I felt that she could do those same things for me also.  I never have had doubts about her, and because of that, she ruined me for anyone else, all the while ensuring that I'd still be here when she finally came back around 11 years later. (Quick backstory for those of you that don't know. My wife and I dated when we were teenagers. We dated for most of a summer, and then she moved away. We tried to keep it going, but she dumped me for some dude after a couple months. I was devastated, she went out with hiking boy. fast forward over a decade, we reconnect, start dating again, get married, and now I'm writing this blog.  Child of ours, if you read this, someday we'll tell you the full story if you haven't heard it, or aren't sick of it by that time.)  My point is, I knew that loving her was something I felt that I would be good at.  It just came naturally, and I couldn't help it.  Whether or not I actually AM good at it is up to her though.

The other thing I felt I had a fighting chance at being good at was a parent. I don't know why. I've just always felt that urge to be one, and that I wouldn't completely muck it up. I've always felt that I could do it.  Maybe it's because I spent so much of my Jr. High and High School years watching and taking care of my younger sisters.  Maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe it's something that all of us feel, so that we ensure we mate and carry on the human race.  Or maybe it's because I'm still a kid at heart. I still get excited about Legos.  I don't know why I felt it really, I just have. And I haven't explored it that much.  For me to think I'm actually good at anything is huge for me, so I guess I just left it alone because of that. 

So, why am I writing about this today?  Well, oddly enough, it was because I read a list about the best and worst movies of 2011.  After reading the list, I felt the need to add the movies to our Netflix list  that I hadn't seen or were not currently in our queue.  Somehow that act alone reminded me of a movie that I had seen, but had forgotten most of.  The movie was "Diggers" and starred Paul Rudd (my wife likes to call him my man-crush. Seriously though, who doesn't love Paul Rudd??) .  But I'm not sure why that movie was important and triggered my contemplation at all. For whatever reason, It made me ask myself "what sort of parent will I be?  Will I be a good parent? "  I never have the answers to them.  I hope that the answers will be "a good one" and "yes".  But I can't possibly be qualified to answer those yet. Or ever. I feel like that's a decision that will be made by the child, and the world in general when dealing with that child throughout it's life.

The funny thing is, I have a hard time worrying about what will happen in my personal life. (This is funny because I make a living worrying about the worst things that could happen, and then planning for them).  I don't feel like I can significantly change certain things.  I can hope our baby will be born healthy, and I can support my wife and try to make sure that she stays healthy and happy to give our baby the best chance of being healthy. However, if something were to not be perfect, there's nothing else I can do about it, so I don't worry about whether our baby is going to have all it's fingers/toes/organs/whatever.  I can't get worked up about the what if's, because those aren't in my hands. I've done what I can do.  The same goes for not worrying for more than a minute or two at a time about what sort of parent I'll be.  I won't know, and can't know until the baby is born.  I feel that with my sisters, I have some decent background at taking care of children.  I know that I didn't do everything, or face a lot of the challenges that I will, but at least I feel like I'm not stepping into the unknown. And that gives me solace. 

My wife asks me if she'll be a good parent.  I always tell her yes, and I know in my heart she will be.  She'll love that baby with every ounce she has.  And while loving someone may not make you the best parent, or spouse, I know that she is. If she wasn't, we wouldn't be having a baby together.  I guess that's another reason I don't fret over it too much. I know that I have the best partner I could to grow old and raise a family with.  And that is all I need to know right now.

long, but productive weekend. (NOW W/ PICS)

Welcome back to the working week people!  I'm sure you're all happy to be back.  Lots of good stuff happened this weekend, let's get to it, shall we?

First up, Saturday, my wife and I decided to go do some shopping and get some stuff out of the way.  My wife is still not eating everything she wants to, and had at first opted to grab lunch at her go to pregnancy spot for food, Arby's.  Now, that's not to say she especially loves Arby's or anything. Normally, we're not fast food eaters.  But whatever it is about a plain Arby's Roast Beef sandwich, she's able to eat it and it doesn't cause any nausea.  She pretty much was only able to eat those through the first trimester though, and I can’t imagine she’ll ever want to eat Arby’s again, let alone drive past one.  But I’m getting off topic.  My original point was that we opted to try something she hadn’t had since pre-pregnancy. We ended up at a Noodles and Company (yes, still fast food sort of, but whatever…) and she was able to get something there.  Just the ability to eat anything but Arby’s and plain toast is awesome.  It definitely opens up some possibilities for at home meals too.

After lunch, we headed over to the baby store in the same neighborhood.  We wanted to check out a couple different brands of furniture, mainly Baby’s Dream and Young America.  We also wanted to test drive the Cortina stroller by Chicco (which is apparently pronounced “KEY-CO” not “CHEEK-O” like I had assumed).  We played with dressers and cribs, and checked on build quality and materials, and opted to go with the Young America brand.  Not only are they independently tested for safety, but they also use non-toxic paint and materials, and have a very low off-gassing rate.  They’re certified by Greenguard, which is a big deal for me.  Air quality and non-toxic materials are a big deal for me. I’d like my child to be as healthy as possible, and  I’d really like my child to avoid the asthma I had as a child.  I got plenty of time playing sports and running around and riding my bike, but for long sustained activities that my friends could do, it always put me at a disadvantage. And worse than that, I hated my two different inhalers. With a passion. If this can help our child at all avoid some of that, I’ll be happy.  Anyway, back to the story at hand.  We checked the pricing on the Young America furniture we liked, and even though it was on sale, I had a price quote from a local furniture store that also had it on sale over the weekend, and they beat the baby store by about 70 bucks.  However, the baby store had the Infant car seat and stroller travel system even cheaper than I could find it anywhere online, so we did leave the baby store with a travel system.  We made a quick detour home to drop off the travel system and headed over to the furniture store.

Once at the furniture store, we were instantly pounced on by a sales rep. We pulled the “just looking” shtick,  and wandered around the recliners and tried a couple out, as we’ll need a recliner or glider for the nursery.  Recliners are NOT going to work for my wife, unless she were to stick a stool under her feet, as she’s supposed to be able to have support of her legs while nursing. She’s NOT tall, so her feet tend to dangle.  This makes an interesting conundrum, as I am sort of tall. There’s about a foot difference between the two of us, so this chair thing will be interesting finding something that works and is comfortable for both of us.  Why me?  Because I don’t expect her to be the only one to get up and feed the baby.  A couple people have looked at me funny when I mention that, which I don’t understand. This is 2012 right? We’re not still relying on old gender stereotypes are we?  True, I don’t have breasts (at least not that can feed a baby), but that’s what pumps are for.  Look, I’m off track again… Ok, focus, focus, got it.  So, we wandered back to the baby furniture. I had emailed a sales rep on Friday about their sale prices, and stock, and we knew they didn’t have the exact model we wanted on the sales floor, but we had seen it at the baby store. So, with our hovering sales associate mere feet away, I approached her, and asked if she could direct me to the sales associate I had emailed with.  She did, and wandered off in sort of a huff. I think we must have looked like people with a purpose, even though I had tried to get her to leave us alone previously. So our sales rep came over, and he was very nice, knowledgeable and helpful. Everything a lot of them aren’t.  Amazing. So we had some discussions about colors, etc, but came to an agreement on which set we wanted.  We’re very happy with it, and it should last baby until baby heads off to college.  So, we ordered the Crib (which converts to a toddler bed, and a full size eventually) and matching dresser.  That was a big load off our chest. (EDIT: My wife asked that I add pics of what we got.  Please note, the dresser we ordered in the same color as the crib, I just couldn't find it online.)

After that, we headed over to my wife’s parents house to discuss childcare.  We had discussed it between ourselves, and we really wanted them to watch the baby when we have to go back to work.  There a number of reasons for this, but first and foremost, we trust them.  Not that I’m sure there aren’t trustworthy daycares out there. I know there are. I know people that have done or do daycare.  But family is usually ideal. Another huge factor for us, is that my wife didn’t really have much of a relationship with her grandparents, and she really wants our child to have one with it’s grandparents.  Both our sets of parents live here, so it makes it easy in theory.  Also, I had a very good and close relationship with my grandparents growing up. I know that my grandparents being there for us isn’t something everyone gets, and it was invaluable.  So, we sat them down and asked if they would consider it.  They said they’d think about it, and we headed home.

On Sunday, we met up with some good friends of ours that just had a baby this past spring. We used to live a lot closer to them, but we moved about 25 minutes away when we bought our house, and now it seems like we never see anyone. So it was great to see them, and their son.  We had coffee and pastries (well, everyone but my wife. No coffee for her!), and then headed back to their place.  They had a bunch of stuff their son had outgrown already, and were extremely nice and gave it to us. It’s wonderful, because it definitely saved us from having to purchase more stuff. It’s kind of funny how eager people are to offer us infant clothes though.  My boss had given us a bag also. It should help, because we don’t know what we’re having yet, and we now have a bag of boys/non-specific clothing, and a bag of girls too.  After that, my wife was pretty wiped out from the weekend. We went home, and she napped.  Her parents called last night, and gave us their answer.  They will watch baby for the first year! Huge weight off our chests.

So, all in all a very good, productive weekend.  Hope yours was too!

SQUIRREL!!!

So, I haven't really spent much time with you lately dear readers, but honestly, nothing very exciting has been going to discuss. I can only beat the same few topics to death so much, and then it's just not interesting for me to write about, and definitely not very interesting for you to read about. I know that I'm basically writing this more for me than anything, and maybe the baby will get a kick out of it someday too see what it's dad was thinking about before it was born. Who knows. It's actually just sort of cathartic for me to write, as I have so few male friends with kids. So I'll recap the events of the past week or so.
Earlier this week, we went in to check on some things with the baby. My wife was having a rough time, and we were worried. They did an ultrasound, and the baby looks good, and I posted a picture of it. I'll assume you read the post, or you can check it out after this one.

I've been doing some more research and I think we've finally settled on a travel system to meet our stroller and car seat needs. I think we'll go with the Chicco Cortina stroller and the Chicco Keyfit 30 infant seat. The keyfit is highly rated by most of the baby sites and consumer guides I checked against as being a very good, and very safe car seat. The stroller I want to check out again, as I didn't play around with it too much, but it was rated as one of the better strollers for tall people (like myself.) The other well rated one was the Uppababy Vista. It was a nice stroller, but MSRP is around 600, and locally or online I can't find it cheaper than 479 from a reputable dealer. Took a look on craigslist too, but nothing really out there. As much as I was just about sold on it (it is a very nice, well optioned, well made stroller) justifying that much money for a stroller was a hard sell to the wife, and when I really thought about it, it is unnecessary. I just want something safe, easy to use, and durable that works with the car seat we want. We can get the whole Chicco travel system for less than the stroller. I'm still talking myself out of it, can't you tell? I really do like shiny things...

The research has moved on to Baby furniture. I think I found something I like even more than the last brand that I found that I liked, and my wife isn't going to be happy about it. However, it's on sale over this weekend at a local furniture dealer, so it puts it into what I consider reasonable range for furniture that should last into the college years. My wife is the tough sell however. She's in control of the money, for good reason. If she wasn't, I'd be buying all the expensive, shiny stuff that isn't necessary. But it's just so shiny...

On a completely different, personal note, when I didn't have anything to write here earlier this week, I posted a new short/micro story on my writing blog. You can find the link to your right. It's a little dark, and I promise you not everything I write is. In fact, that form of the story was inspired by the band Of Monsters and Men from Iceland, and their song "Little Talks" which has been stuck in my head for weeks. That is until this morning, when "TV Party" by Black Flag found it's way in.

As a sort of related piece to the writing blog (the link to the right!) I added a last minute class to my course load for my final semester of this degree program. Although it's not a requirement, it does fill a transfer requirement that I need to do in order to complete the degree I'd like to get after this. Anyway, I'm rambling on, so the new class I added was Creative Writing. Maybe it will help me become a better writer. I'm taking another writing class, Writing and Research, but that class is actually required for my degree. Between those, maybe I'll be able to focus my writing more. Or maybe not. Hey, what's that shiny thing over there...

We saw the baby move!

So today we had to go to the doctor. We had sort of a rough few days over the weekend, and they just wanted to check things out. The good news is though, we got to see the baby move on the ultrasound! Saw it's little legs kick, and arms move! Everything is good for now, but it's still a little scary. My wife is a trooper though. This definitely hasn't been easy (although, I've never heard any of my friends who have been pregnant say it was easy), but it seems like sometimes she can't catch a break and just have things go a little easier. We'll get there hopefully. Everyone says they felt better during their 2nd trimester, hopefully that catches up to her soon. She deserves it. I'll keep today short and sweet, and leave you with a picture of baby Falb that we got today. It's not the clearest, but you can make out the head, eyes, nose, ears and mouth! I mean seriously, look at it's little nose!